


one of me and none of you

by sandpapersnowman



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Almost Kiss, Arguing, Gift Fic, Loneliness, M/M, Strained Friendships, Strained Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-01
Updated: 2019-09-01
Packaged: 2020-10-04 15:28:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20473304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sandpapersnowman/pseuds/sandpapersnowman
Summary: (sequel/gift fic tojonmartin flavored la croixby americangothic because Oof he got me)Jon resists reading the Leitner again for a solid week.Knowing that he can read it to put himself into the Lonely, that he couldsee Martin, is so tempting.He needs to see Martin again.





	one of me and none of you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [americangothic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/americangothic/gifts).
  * Inspired by [jonmartin flavored la croix](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20447393) by [americangothic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/americangothic/pseuds/americangothic). 

> title from the wombats' [White Eyes](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/wombats/whiteeyes.html) bc i continue to only listen to three bands

Jon resists reading the Leitner again for a solid week.

Knowing that he can read it to put himself into the Lonely, that he could _see Martin_, is so tempting. Martin can put him back, right? So there's no danger of getting stuck as long as he can find Martin. There's the risk of running into Peter, who might kill him or worse, but... It'd be worth the risk, wouldn't it?

He needs to see Martin again.

He's been keeping the book in a desk drawer and making excuses to himself as to why he didn't want it sitting in storage, and now he locks his office door and sits in his chair.

Jon takes a deep breath and opens the cover slowly. In an unfairly ironic fashion, it's a collection of poetry themed around loneliness — dying alone, never finding companionship, being rejected and sinking in on yourself in the wake of love lost. It has an index in the front with titles and authors, and although he recognizes some, one catches his eye.

_A Thought For A Lonely Death-Bed_, by Elizabeth Barrett Browning. Something about it resonates to him, so he carefully thumbs to her entry on page 93 and begins to read.

_If God compel thee to this destiny,_

_To die alone, with none beside thy bed_

_To ruffle round with sobs thy last word said_

_And mark with tears the pulses ebb —_

"Jon," someone yelps. "What the _hell_ are you doing?"

Not 'someone'. _Martin_.

Jon tears himself away from the words before the ache in his chest becomes too much to bear, almost tripping over himself as he stands with a beaming smile. Martin is in his office, flipping through a file that, now that Jon thinks about it, had gone missing earlier in the morning.

"Martin," he breathes. "I'm — It's good to see you."

Jon wants to walk up to him and embrace him, convince himself that Martin is actually, physically _here_, but Martin's gone stiff at Jon's smile.

"You shouldn't be here," Martin says immediately. "You know that."

Jon falters, stopping himself a few feet away from where Martin stands looking like someone Jon no longer knows.

"I know. I'm sorry," Jon apologizes. "I just... I really needed to see you again," he admits, laughing awkwardly. "Sometimes I feel like I'm going insane, like you were never here in the first place, you know?"

Martin's posture relaxes slightly, as does his stern frown, but he doesn't smile.

"That's the point," he shrugs, looking away as though he doesn't care whether Jon is there or not. (Maybe he doesn't? Does Martin not care anymore?) "We're not supposed to be having nice little chats like this. It defeats the purpose."

Jon swallows. Martin is going to insist on sending him back soon, he realizes, but Jon doesn't want to be anywhere but the same plane of existence as him.

"I know," he says, softer. "I know, and you told me to trust you, and I-I do, but —"

"— 'But' _what_, Jon?" Martin snaps, turning almost fully away from him. "Do you think you're the only one here that's sad? That's _lonely_?" His voice goes wet, and thick, and Jon's stomach drops when he registers it as Martin close to tears. "I miss you too, but this is so dangerous, Jon. I _have_ to do this, and I have to do it _alone_."

It goes quiet. Martin is trying to steady his breathing with rough, shaky noises. Jon already knew it was selfish to do this, but he hadn't thought about the consequences it might have for _Martin_. Shit.

"I'm sorry," Jon says again, though it's more genuine this time. "You can send me back, I... I'm sorry. I just wanted to see you, and I have, so I... I can go."

There's another sniffle and Martin keeps his back to Jon as he wipes one eye with the heel of his hand. 

He takes a few more moments to compose himself before turning back around looking more miserable than Jon has ever seen him. And that's... That's saying something. Jon has seen Martin two weeks awake, scared out of his mind, and he's seen Martin with a thousand awful things dug into his skin, and seen him _mourning_, and none of it compares to the god-awful, absolute _agony_ on him now.

Martin reaches for him without a word, cold hands loosely gripping Jon's forearms. He still won't look at Jon, though, and he —

He can't stand it.

Jon leans in to kiss him. He is desperate, and starved, and maybe everything will be fine if he just shows Martin how he feels instead of stumbling over the words to _say_ it. Martin's lips must be soft, they _look_ soft, and somehow there is a hole in his chest that Martin left without Jon even noticing, and everything will be fine if he just —

Just —

He just leans into nothing.

Jon can distantly hear the chatter and movement of other Archive employees in other offices, and there is once again a Martin-shaped hole in the space around him.

Jon is outside of the Isolation, but he's never felt more alone in his life.

**Author's Note:**

> the poem is A Thought For A Lonely Death-Bed by Elizabeth Barrett Browning, and you can read the full version [on here!](http://famouspoetsandpoems.com/poets/elizabeth_barrett_browning/poems/4767)
> 
> i'm also [sandpapersnowman on tumblr](https://sandpapersnowman.tumblr.com) and lyric/ille in the rq chat. hmu!


End file.
